Oct 9th, 2016

Dear Kaden,

I haven't written you in a while.  I am sorry for that.  I am now 38 weeks pregnant with your little brother.  He will be born this week.   I can't wait to have him in my arms.  Our little family is growing and this gives me so much joy.  You will have 3 brothers now.  I am sure you already meet each brother and probably know quite well.  But, I can't wait to see you all working together in Heaven.  I sure do love ALL my boys.

Last month a woman I visit teach lost her baby at 14 weeks.  I was able to help her through that tough time.  Then another girl lost her baby this week.  She was 37 weeks along.  Again I was able to help.  I love talking about you.  I love telling these woman that everything will work out.

In talking with one of them I found myself saying, "That losing you, makes me be a better person."

It's true.  I live the commandments.....I serve..... I go to church.... I read my scriptures.... I do all this so one day I will make it to the Celestial Kingdom and be with you.  

This week I will get to hold a new son.  I will then spend the rest of my life raising him.  I am so blessed for that opportunity.  This week I will hold one of God's sons in my arms and become his earthly mother.   BUT when I die I will get to do it all over again with you.  How excited I am for that day.

I love you Kaden Leif Kanooth

PS.  Your new brother's name will be Connor Leif Kanooth.   I hope you don't mind sharing your middle name.

happy 7th birthday

Dearest Kaden,

Today is Jan 3, 2106.  Happy Birthday.  It is also Sunday and therefore is fast Sunday.  Before church we (your siblings and I) made you cake, and decorated it.  This year we picked a dog.  He ended up being green and white with lots of sprinkles.  Micah had brought down you baby picture, so we truly got to sing TO YOU and see you all day.  We blew up balloons, flew airplanes, danced, and wore of birthday hats all morning.  I then had the kids watch your video.  You were such a beautiful baby.  Micah and Savannah truly understand that you are their brother.  We all miss you.

Since our morning was full of "Kaden", you were on my mind during church.  I bore my testimony on the plan of salvation.  I truly love this plan.  And because of Christ, I WILL get to see you again.  I know that.  I normally don't get emotional when I talk about you.  But today I did.  I started crying over the pulpit, as I explained how excited I am to rejoin you one day.  Because of the knowledge, I have to be worthy, and promise to be so. 

Kaden, I miss you.  Happy 7th Birthday.  Continue doing good-work in heaven.  We will continue to be righteous down here.  

I miss you.

Hi Baby Kaden,

It was just another day here.  I took your siblings to the park and was watching them play.  Since I had some free time, I called your Aunt Kierstin.  We started talking about your cousin Westin turning 8 next year.  I made a comment to your Aunt about how crazy it would be to have a 7 year old.  She then said that I would have.

It totally caught me off guard.  It's true.  If you were here you would be almost 7.  You would be running around, playing, laughing, and being a kid.  I miss that.  I miss you.  And I want you to know that I still think of you.

I hope you are having fun up in Heaven.  I hope you get to run around and be a kid.  I can't wait to watch you play.

Love your Mother

Your family misses you

I love talking about you

Kaden

I had the opportunity to talk about you today.

At enrichment a mother was telling me about the son she lost.

I told her about you.

Then at book club I meet a girl who lost her boy at 19 weeks.

I again talked about you.

I heard myself saying these words,

"Losing Kaden was a very spiritual and special event." 

And it was.

When you were born I didn't see that.

Now I see how your presents in our family is sacred.

You are our Guardian Angel.

Your birth gives me the empathy to help others who are struggling.

You are a still a part of our family.

Your life makes me strive to be better so I can one day be with you again.

You are still loved.

I know this sounds weird, but I love OUR story. 

I love how special it was birthing you. 

 I love how sweet it was holding your perfect body in my arms. 

 I love where you were buried.

I love how you are OUR Guardian Angel.

I love you.    

    

 

 

Your 6th Birthday

Kaden,
Today you would be 6 years old.  Happy Birthday.  The twins and I made you a turtle cake.  They decorated it with lots of left over Christmas candy.  I'm sorry it's not more beautiful, but I know you wouldn't have it any other way.  Micah and Savannah were so excited to have your birthday party.  We blew up balloons, sang you happy birthday, and ate lots of KISSES for you.  The twins are starting to truly understand that you came to earth but are now in heaven.  They can now explain to others that they have an older brother in Heaven.  And you are a great older brother. 

Sweet Kaden I'm so thankful to have to in my life.  A couple of Sundays ago I gave a lesson on the Plan of Salvation.  I brought your picture to church with me. I showed the class your beautiful picture and explained that through The Plan of Salvation we can be together some day.  In the Spirit World I will get to be your mother if and only if I stay worthy to do so.  Kaden, I will stay worthy.  I can't wait to raise you someday.  Every day I am one day closer to seeing you.  You are my boy, and will always be. 

I love you dear son, and hope you had a great 6th birthday.

your eartly family

May 2014

Hi Little Guy

Kaden,

Today is June 15th, 2014.  I just wanted to say, I love you.  There is no real reason for wanting to write you today.  There is no special event in our lives or spiritual experience that has happened.  Life just moves on.  Your little brother Eli is crawling all over the place.  He loves to be held and cuddled by me.  I love to cuddle him back. 

I can't wait to cuddle you.  I can't wait to see you crawl.  I can't wait to hold you.  And I know in heaven these things will all come true.  I am so blessed to know this.  You are going to be my heaven baby.  I love you.

I still look at your shadow box every night.  I think about you before I go to bed.  You are my first born.  You are my perfect son.  I love you.  

5th birthday

I can't believe you would be 5 today. Happy Birthday Son.  I know you came down and visited us while we celebrated your special day.  I love your special day.  It gives me a reason to watch your video, look at your book, and remember you.  

 

I have been talking about you for the last couple of day to Micah and Savannah.  They were both so excited to have a birthday party and make a cake.  While we were singing to you Micah asked, "Is Kaden going to come down and eat some cake?" 

Savannah responded, "He is in heaven Micah!"

 

We miss you. 

 

The Christmas Box

Kaden,

I just got done reading a book called, "The Christmas Box" that made me think about you.  I thought I would have been more emotional when reading this book because it is about a mother who lost a child.  The mother keeps writing letters to her lost daughter and keeps then in "The Christmas Box".  It is called the Christmas Box because Heavenly Father gave His Son away on the first Christmas many years ago.

This book reminded me that I WILL see you again.  I will get to be your Mother in heaven.  God knows I lost a son. God lost (or gave away freely) His Son.  God knows what it feels like to lose a child.  He also knows us individually.  He knows who is strong enough to handle a trial like this and he knows what children a righteous enough to come back to heaven early. 

Kaden, I love you and miss you.  I wish I could cry more when I think of you.  I wish I would have cried in this book.  But my testimony is strong.  You made it strong.  I love you.

Love Mom

Your little Brother

Kaden,

I am sorry that I haven't written in a long time.  I am now realizing that I only write on your birthday (which is coming soon).  But I do think about you often.  During Christmas I tend to think of you more as we have your stocking hanging in our front room.  And when the kids or friends see the extra stocking they ask questions.  But I love the questions because I love to talk about you.

Life has been busy lately.  Leif has been going on interview and just signed a contract in Lewiston Idaho.  We will be moving in June.   The twins continue to get older and wiser.  AND you now have another brother.  Eli Paul Kanooth was born on November 8th 2013.  He came 5 weeks early and when your father was out of town.  He was a big baby and continues to be a very good baby.  I know you will have a lot of fun with Eli in heaven.  I am sure you meet him already.  This is a picture of his blessing day. 

I wish you were in the picture... I miss you.

Love Mom

I love you

4th Birthday

Dear Kaden,

To start off Happy 4th Birthday.  Your Aunt Darryn called me last week and told me that one of her friends lost twins at 21 weeks.  Darryn asked me to call Stephanie and talk with her about her loses.  AND talking to Stephanie made me realize 2 things I never thought about before. 

#1 Losing you was the hardest trial I had ever been through.  I was depressed, angry, alone, in pain, and questioning God's plan.  I was confused why God would take you away from me.  I was upset at life.   Now 4 years later I realize that you are a huge Blessing in our family.   I no longer see your death as a trial but a blessing.  You are a part of family.  You are remembered.  You are our guardian angel.  You are the reason that I press on, keeping the commandments, and enduring to the end.  Kaden, because of you I have a purpose in Heaven.  I am so excited and blessed to raise you in Heaven.

#2 Stephanie asked me, "When will I stop missing my babies?".  I replied without even thinking, "Never."  And then I thought about it.... Kaden, I still miss you.  I look at your shadow box daily and think of you.  You were my perfect baby.  I miss you always.  I miss everything we could have done together and all the memories we could have shared.  I miss you today and I will miss you until my mortal bodies leaves my spirit and I will get to see you again.

It is strange to think that today you would be 4 years old.  What a big boy you would be.  I want you to know that you were in my heart all day long.  In the morning I told the twins it was your birthday and we sung to you.  Savannah loves singing the birthday song and sang to you all day long.  I got out your blog-book and showed pictures of you to Micah and Savannah.  They would point to your picture and say, "baby".

Today I made you a Loin cake.  Micah helped me decorate it.  We then bought a lot of balloons and blow horns.  We sang you happy birthday and blew our horns.  It was a good tasting cake.  I know you would have loved it.

Kaden, Happy Birthday.  I am so thankful that I get to make you a cake each year and think about you. I miss you, and wish things could have turned out differently but, I know that you are OK.  And I am sorry that I don't have any pictures.  This blog wont let me upload anymore pics.   

Love, Your earthly mother

Your 3rd Birthday

Happy Birthday Son. Today you would be 3 years old!!! Your birth date has become a very special day in our family. I never thought that your death date would be a time of celebration, but it is. It has become a day where we think of you, we pray for you, and have a party (because we know that is what you would want us to do). It has become a day that I cherish.
Today I made a birthday you a birthday cake in the shape of a giraffe. I was going to make you are Lion but thought giraffes are cuter. I then took your brother and sister to the store and we bought balloons, hats, and blow toys. In line Micah was holding the birthday hats. A man saw what we were buying, and asked whose birthday it was. I told him we were having a birthday party for Micah's brother. It felt so good saying that. We were having a party for Micah and Savannah's brother.
When we got home I set up the dinner table so everyone had a blow toy and hat. We then blew up the balloons and the twins started playing with them. When Daddy came home we ate dinner, and sang Happy Birthday to you. Savannah & Micah both got their own piece of cake and loved it.
.
Kaden, I love you. I love having a day where I can think about you all day. I watched your viedo and read your blog today. I cried watching the viedo. But it wasn't a sad crying. I was happy for the memory of you. I was happy for the whole experience. I am happy. You were with us for 24 weeks. I grew to love you in these short weeks. I find joy in knowing that I will be your mother in the next life. I look forward to hugging you. I look forward to raising you. I am happy today knowing this. I love the plan of Salvation and the joy it brings.

Happy Birthday Son.

Our Last Visit

May 11, 2011

Dear Kaden,
We visited your site today for the last time. Son, I don't know when we will be able to come back. We are moving to Florida in June and will be there for 6 years. After that we will move somewhere else for a job. So, I don't know when we will be able to visit your site again. But I promise that I will continue making you a birthday cake each year. I promise that I will always keep your shadow box in my bedroom. I promise that I will talk about you to your future brothers and sisters. And I promise that you will never be forgotten.

Kaden, today was a special day. Daddy and I bought you a flower and planted it next to your rock. It was a beautiful purple annual that will hopefully grow every year. I pray that next time we come to visit you, the flower will still be there. I imagine your flower planting seeds to make more flowers surround you resting spot. I look forward to the day when we get to visit your rock again. We got to take some family pictures while we were there. This is now my most favoirte picture because it is a complete family picture. .


Kaden, today 2 very special things happened. Right after the flower was planted it started to rain, and showered for a short 2-3 minutes. I believe that this was God's way of acknowledging your flower and giving it some rain to help the roots start growing.

After the flower was planted we took some family pictures by your resting spot. The pictures taken are now my favorite because it has all 5 of us. Your younger brother and sister were with us. And they saw your site for the very first time. Micah and Savannah were sweet and patience during our visit. They love their big brother and can't wait to meet you.

The second special thing that happened was while Savannah and I were sitting near your rock. I was holding sweet Savannah and whispered in her ear, "Say... I love Kaden."

In her sweet little voice Savannah said, "I wuve Aven".

I then whispered in her ear, "Say... I love my brother."

He soft baby voice replayed, "I wuve by verer."

She knew she was talking about her big brother. I felt her love for Kaden. I felt the spirit. I felt Kaden's love. I love my 3 children.

Mother's Day 2011

Kaden, today was Mother's Day 2011. I was thinking about you today and know you were thinking about me. Mothers Day in the past have been very hard for me. Right after we lost you I was so jealous of every mother. I couldn't understand why God took you away from me but let other Mother's keep their babies.

But now I feel so blessed. I have 2 beautiful children on earth and one in Heaven looking after us. Kaden, I know you look down on your earthy family. I want you to know that we love you. We will never forget about you. You are a huge blessing in our family. I love Mother's Day because it is a day to see all the blessings I have in my life. Your conception, pregnancy, and birth was all a huge blessing. I didn't see it then. But now I see how I grew spiritual and emotionally. I see how your father and I grew together. I see how you stretched out my uterus for your siblings. I understand that you had a greater purpose. My faith grew. And I know I will see you again.

Happy Mother's Day

Happy 2nd Birthday Son

Today is January 3rd, your 2nd birthday. Happy Birthday Son! I love you and miss you. For your birthday I made a really nice dinner (rolls, turkey-cream soup, fruit, and cake). I made you a fish cake this year. I had planned on making you a loin, but didn't have anything for the legs. So you got a fish cake. I am sorry the color turned out funny. I was trying to make it orange, but I added too much blue! Now you know your mommy isn't perfect. Your father came home early from work and was surprised by the big dinner. We ate together and thought about you. Earlier that day I looked through your box of keepsakes, and your pictures. It was a very nice day to remember you.

I have a friend that just lost a baby. She came over last week and I showed her all of your keepsakes. I love talking about you. I loved showing your little hand-prints to my friend. It keep you alive to me. It keeps you alive in our family. It keeps you real. My friend told me that when she lost her baby, she imagined herself handing her child over into the Lord's hands. I then invisioned myself handing your little body over to the Lord. I have a picture now of you in your blue gown and hat being placed into Heavenly Father's arms. I see Heavenly Father smiling as he takes you. I see myself smiling back being glad that I could give him such a perfect child. I see you smile. I know you are happy with your Heavenly Father. I know you are busy doing his work. I know you are a chosen spirit child.

Last time I wrote to you we were expecting twins. Well they made it!! Thanks for watching over them. You now have a little sister, Savannah, and a little brother, Micah. I have told both Micah and Savannah about you. I am excited for you to meet them. You and Micah are going to be great friends. He is a very patience person, like you. I know you both will get along great. Please continue to look over our family. You are the big brother!

Kaden, we miss you. I love you. Daddy loves you. And your siblings love you. I wish you were here staring at me with your blond hair and blue eyes. But I will get my wish. I will see you again. I truly believe that. And I can't wait for that time.

Happy Birthday Son.

Daddy, Micah and I eating your birthday dinner.
Your fish cake Yum. Yum.

I keep your memories in my bedroom. On your birthday I looked through your heart box. I love you son.

March 7th we visited your site.

March 7th, 2010
Hi sweet child. Today your father and I went to visit your resting site. We hadn't been to see you for one year. I am sorry that it took us so long to return. But your father reminded me that only your body is there. I can talk to you and feel your spirit anytime. And I am so thankful for that.
Yet, it was peaceful seeing the rock with your name on it. Visiting your site keeps you alive. Looking at your picture and your gown on our wall keeps you alive. Kaden, you very much are a huge part of our family. You are my son and I am so excited to meet you in heaven. I am thankful for the memories I have of you. I am thankful that I got a chance to hold you and love your small body. And I am thankful that your spirit can be felt in Adam-Ondi-Aham. I love you.
While visiting you, Leif asked me to pray. I hope you can hear my prayer for you. Because they are for you. Please remember that we love you and miss you. I love prayers.
In my prayer I told you that we are expecting 2 babies now. Please look after your mother and your siblings. If you have any extra power, please bless your siblings to grow. Leif and I so bad want to have children on this earth. We wish it could have been you. But we all know that the Lord has a bigger hand in things. I know you are being taken care of. I thank my Savior for that.
Kaden, we love you. It was so nice to visit your little tomb stone. Visit us often.

Your First Birthday

Kanden,

It has been a long time since I have written to you. I am sorry that I haven't been more diligent in writing to you. But I do pray for you almost each and every night. Your thoughts are always with Daddy and I, and we love you dearly. We are expecting again. This time, it is twins. What a special surprise it was to find out that we are having two. This shows me that the Lord is merciful. He knows and cares for our family. Please take care of our family up there. You are the older brother.

Your birthday was a very special day for us. It was fast Sunday and I had a testimony of you in my heart all day long. I never shared it openly, but I kept it in my heart. I know you live. I know you are doing a wonderful work up in heaven. I know that you have a huge testimony of the Gospel. I know you are a wonderful missionary. And I know that we get get to see you again someday.

Kaden, I made you a cake. I couldn't decide between a lion or elephant. In the end I made you an elephants. I hope you like elephant, I think you do! We also got you a book. Daddy and I read it together and watched your video. The book is entitled, "You are Special". It talks about a young man who finds out how special he really is.

Kaden, you are so special to this family. Always remember that. I can't wait to raise you. Hopefully by that time, I will have some earthy experience of being a mother. Happy Birthday Son.

Scriptures that helped your mother

"I am going to send an angel in front of you, to guard you on the way

and to bring you to the place that I have prepared."

Exodus 23:20

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths."

Proverbs 3: 5-6

"A little shile and ye shall not see me:

and again, a little while, and ye shall see me,

because I go to the Father."

John 16:16

"I also beheld that all children who die before they arrive at the years of

accountability are saved in the celestial kingdom of heaven."

D&C 137:10

"May I say for the consolation of those who mourn,

and for the comfort and guidance of all of us,

that no righteous man is ever taken before his time.

In the case of the faithful saints,

they are simply transferred to other fields of labor."

Joseph Fielding Smith